If You Want a Job Done in a Half Assed Matter ...

Great excitement Chez Bangs as we are to receive our first grownup visitor at the weekend. Slightly nerve wracking as the guest is one of my oldest friends Laura, highly successful, post grad computer wiz, whose own home looks like something from Homes & Gardens with acres of cream carpeting and enough granite to restock a small quarry.

Too late I realise that the house may not be quite ready - entire house could fit into Laura's extension and desperate attempt follows to distract from absence of carpeting in spare room, by painting floor boards white in shabby chic manner. Completely unable to move furniture and therefore am forced to paint round it and in the case of bed, slightly under it. Can only hope that Laura won't feel need to look under the bed for any reason.

Half an hour after starting I come to understand more clearly the term "painting yourself into a corner" or on this case into the alcove that does for a wardrobe. Extricate myself from wardrobe by swinging on bunk bed in exact fashion that have always told HTB's children they must never do and stand back to admire results. Can at least say that I have achieved the shabby part of the look.

Decide that all that is needed is few clever touches to complete transformation and splash out on some rather posh scarlet flowers and put together little basket of toiletries and hangover cures. Resemblance to 5* hotel slightly spoiled by necessity of turning sideways to get between bed and book case and tendency of door to bang into bed if opened more than 3/4s of the way (easiest (!!) method of getting into room involves opening door 3rd of way, edging into wardrobe, closing door and stepping out of wardrobe somewhat like an old fashioned kissing gate) but am generally pleased with effect.

Start to clear up and discover that lid of paint is on bookshelf in bedroom, can confirm there is nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Retrieve lid and remove skin from paint before reuniting paint and lid.

Complete disaster in groceries department as Tesco call to say the van has broken down and can they deliver tomorrow. I say this not possible as traditional in our house for food for dinner party to arrive before dinner party takes place. Arrange to collect from Tesco store, which involves waiting for return of HTB and trip at 10pm to Customer Services, which is just closing and has never heard of our shopping or us.

Further delay caused by discovery that 3 bottles of champagne have been substituted for 3 bottles of French brandy (why for the love of god? They were both French and in bottles? Thank god Tesco doesn't sell garlic juice!) Personally go and select alternative champagne at exact same price and point out that perhaps this would have been more logical substitution. Feel I have not endeared myself to manager, but am beyond caring.

Tesco not what it was - vans never on time, items missing or bizarrely substituted and late night deliveries now made by transvestite.

Arrive home at 11pm, dine royally on chocolate buttons and gin as all I can be bothered to find and go to bed.