Who Ya Gonna Call?

March 13

Awake in the early hours of the morning to the horrifying realisation that I can hear voices in my sitting room.

Ignore all horror movie etiquette by immediately creeping downstairs to investigate clutching a high heeled shoe in one hand and phone in other, with two nines already programmed in should it turn out to be burglars.

Am somewhat bemused as I get closer, by apparent notion, based on voices I can hear, that I am being burgled by my Mother, my sister and my friend Jeff from Texas.

All is explained when I peek into the sitting room to find my answer machine playing all my messages in a loop. ... over and over and over.

With great relief that I am not going to have to do stiletto kung-fu on some home invader I switch the machine off.

This is not first indication of a ghost in my machine. I have been noticing for some time that machine is developing idiosyncrasies as it has been refusing to delete old messages without the persuasion of a sharp bang on floor. Machine now moves on to full demonic possession as it switches itself on again and continues repeating the messages that have supposedly been deleted.

I reflect that it is just as well I lead a pure and blameless life as I can well imagine circumstances under which it would be somewhat awkward to have one's entire collection of deleted messages blurted out to whomever is in the room!

With this thought I switch machine off at the wall and hurry back to bed as I wish to be entirely unaware of it if machine does some how manage to turn itself on again. Have no desire to be subject to projectile vomiting or the realisation that my messages played back ward reveal message of demonic worship.

March 14th

Throw away answering machine and set up answering service with provider.

March 15th

Discover that answering service requires touch tone phone to delete messages (why why am I to be haunted with un-deleted messages???) spend evening listening to messages one at a time on rotary dial phone and hanging up between each message to delete them.

March 16th

Buy new touch tone phone.

March 20th

Strange footnote to chapter of possessed telephones occurs when my hitherto perfectly behaved mobile phone decides to send a picture message to the first name on my phonebook list.

Photo is rather unfortunately of new Mr Bang's new nipple piercing and recipient is Alice with whom I previously worked at Mad Boat Company in London.

A moral quandary presents itself as I get no response from Alice and can only hope she has deleted my phone number and is ignoring anonymous hairy nipple message. Am reluctant to text her with explanation and there by reveal source of nipple, however if she does still have my number, don't want her to think that I have deliberately sent her picture of nipple as sort of thing she would like to see.

Third and even more disturbing scenario occurs to me where Alice thinks I have deliberately sent her picture of hairy nipple and that it is mine and she is too embarrassed or revolted to speak to me further.

Take cowardly but possibly sensible stance that least said is soonest mended.

Resolve to question Dear Friend Rachel as to whether she has heard from Alice recently and if my name came up.

Alice says:

Nipple picture wasn't ever received (sadly). Although it could have been sent to my old number, which i think i still have sim card for so may have a peek when i have nothing else to do...

Posted by Al on Thursday, January 22, 2009 - 11:08 AM