Wicked Week

25th January

Dear Friend Rachel and Adored Husband Andy score some free tickets to Wicked and very kindly invite us. Show is just as fabulous as I remember it and has added advantage that we get to meet Alice's new chap, who seems lovely and copes with us all very well bearing in mind that he doesn't get a word in edgeways for most of the evening. I wear high heels and wide legged trousers and feel very 1940s and glam and we spend periods between shows being witty and hilarious. Slight hitch to evening when I catch high heel in wide legged trouser and fall up stairs in front of usher. Would feel slightly less stupid if song previous to interval had not been show stopper "Defy Gravity" and can see by his smirk that despite expressed concern, this is usher's first thought too. Knee turns black.

Other highlight also Rachel and Andy related as they come to our house for marvelous weekend of karaoke, dining, setting world to rights and chilling.

Dinner conversation turns to This Year's Idea and Rachel launches into her new idea for making money. (Rachel and I both consider ourselves budding entrepreneurs and she often has the ideas which I then research.) Last Years Idea was Lady Cheese made from breast milk bought from single mothers, but sadly this was abandoned when we discovered that breast milk won't curdle which is an essential process in cheese making, although Lady Butter is still on the table so to speak.) This Year's Idea is erotic fiction which I surmise Rachel will be very good at and we agree that Writing is Writing and wish her very well on her endeavor.

I put forward my This Years Idea which is to make Burlesque Pasties and sell vintage clothes on ebay.

We then turn to my approaching 40th and my New Year's Resolutions and Rachel becomes very enthusiastic about fan dancing and we agree to go together. Will no doubt feel more nervous about this when I sober up.

26th January

No sighting of Burt and Ernie for some time either they have retired to safety in face of gale force winds or were offended by HTBs attempted sexing with binoculars. Instead find myself engaging in battle of wills with various other non verbal opponents including neighbour's cats and some oysters we pick up cheaply for dinner. Find that solution to cat is to throw things (less embarrassing in long run than throwing open door suddenly and leaping out growling only to find neighbour standing by fence having cigarette) and solution to shucking oysters in absence of correct equipment is to startle them by running them under the hot tap and when they open slightly in What the F***? Manner shove butter knife into gap.

HTB wisely avoids battle of wills or indeed conversation by shutting himself in study which he is refitting as music studio and only emerging for meals. See more of postman and therefore engage in battle of wills with him instead, where he attempts to deliver before I am dressed and I attempt to be dressed. This week I win two (dressed) although on reflection throwing open the door, assuming a pose and making a Ta Derr noise possible not conventional way to greet postman but he is less startled than the oysters, lose one (still in PJs) and draw one (not dressed so get HTB to go to door, but am busted by postman who guesses I am hiding)

HTB emerges from office to go to job interview and collect children. Indicate to wicked witch ex-wife that we are picking them up early so they can eat with us and I am preparing children's favourite meal. This turns out to be huge mistake as when HTB arrives at 4pm the children tell us that Mummy fed them Spaghetti Bolognese and Angel Whip Pudding at 3.30pm, daughter E is surprised by this as she says they don't usually eat this early or get pudding. Several eye rolls later I suggest to HTB that perhaps the children could just sit up at the table with us while we eat.

Amusingly by the time the children arrive they are hungry again and while they don't eat their usual portions they do manage to sit at the table with us and polish off a couple of fajitas each. E also reveals that Mummy now cooks homemade Bolognese after E mentioned that C loves my homemade sauce and perhaps he would eat it at home if Mummy stopped using sauce from a jar. Have to say this goes a long way towards easing my earlier frustration and almost feel sorry for Mummy.

Fall asleep congratulating myself on not having succumbed to child related illness but speak to soon. Am woken at 3am by urgent indications that I need to visit the bathroom. This proves to be the start of ghastly gastric interlude during which stomach burns candle at both ends so to speak.

27th January

Spend day being violently and explosively ill and end up prone on settee like limp rag watching Star Trek as I have trouble following plot of anything more complicated. Am completely unable to keep anything down other than water and flat lemonade and that merely bolts straight through. Am now seriously considering theory of child allergy, which is only slightly challenged when HTB catches bug from me. Am unsure whether to be irritated or relieved when he is only sick once as it does at least mean that he can take care of children. Go to bed at 9pm and thankfully sleep though.

28th January

Still completely unable to eat and struggle to cook roast Sunday Lunch for children. HTB keep children occupied in garden which is just as well as it means they completely miss me burning the bottoms of the roast potatoes and resorting to slicing the burned bits off and re-roasting the bottoms.

29th January

Still feel awful and seek comfort in long bath

Hair looks like one of those dead birds you see on news coverage, washed up the beach after an oil spill. Find this so depressing contemplate drowning myself in the bath, but this is foiled as bath is so small I can't get head under water without sticking feet out of bathroom window and besides I don't like getting water in my ears.

30th January

Feel better and decide to follow up on previous resolution to find work, so do online search. This produces immediate potential position and I call agency quickly before I lose my nerve. Agency takes one look at my CV and arranges interview for end of week with luxury car company.

Happy New Year

New Year's Eve

Celebrate NYE in traditional manner which involves HTB insisting on watching Jules Holland's Hogmanay, which I dislike and then promptly falling asleep in front of it the minute we switch over. I eventually retire to bed in a snit and spend midnight listening to other people having fun and joyous time. HTB shuffles up sometime later and I promptly pick fight by accusing him of ignoring me. HTB ignores this and I point out that he has gone from accidentally ignoring me to deliberately ignoring me and this is very annoying. HTB smiles and makes a remark about the fireworks, which is the equivalent of lighting the blue touch paper on my temper and then not standing back. I respond with suggestion of a possible anatomical storage facility for his fireworks and with complete disregard for his own health HTB tells me to calm down. Needless to say this has opposite effect however resulting rage ends in coughing fit so severe that it essentially interrupts both breathing and argument and we go to bed.

New Year's Day

Do very little other than make list of New Year's Resolutions in keeping with intended midlife crisis and which include amongst other things a charity parachute jump and learning to fan dance and in the absence of a writing career getting a part time job.

January

Severe flare up of symptoms is brought on by cold and overstretching myself at Christmas and I spend most of January on the settee watching West Wing while HTB looks after me as he is now at home on full time gardening leave. Sadly this does not mean he spends any time gardening, although I do make it out to the greenhouse to start some seeds.

Burt and Ernie very active and HTB asks me how I know they are both boys. I take him through difficulties of sexing squirrels at distance but offer him the loan of my mother of pearl opera glasses if he wishes to have a go, which he does and I spend subsequent 10 minutes praying our neighbours don't see him as no sensible explanation springs to mind. Thankfully we get away with it but are still none the wiser as to the sex of the squirrels (ha!).

Slight improvement in health when I receive miracle pills from Doctor which help with sleep and mostly control pain on day to day basis. Hurrah!

Life continues at this break neck pace with only 2 or 3 social highlights until at least 3rd week of month.