I have been commuting on the tube for nearly a year now and I am still continually amazed by the bizarre behaviour that riding the tube seems to bring out in people.
This morning for example I was waiting at Waterloo for an eastbound Jubilee train with a larger crowd than usual. (I had arrived on an earlier train and hit the tail end of the pre 9am rush). Now everyone who rides the tubes at all regularly knows that when the train pulls in you have less than a minute before the "stand clear..." announcement and the doors close. This morning the seconds ticked by with no announcement and I started to slow down aware that the doors must close soon, while the crowd around me continued to try to shove onto the tube. (Apparently the doors magically stay open if there is no announcement!) Suddenly, with no warning, the doors slammed closed and an Italian woman reeled back from the doors shrieking and clutching her head. The rest of us of course pretended not to see her, and generally acted in a typically British manner when faced with such a regrettably foreign lack of reserve about what was, quite frankly, only a minor decapitation.
The woman then stood mumbling to herself until the next train arrived, at which point she recovered remarkably and shoved her way on with the force of a charging rhino. This time it was the fate of some hapless chap to be squeezing onto the train when the doors closed, leaving half his coat outside. I was somewhat disconcerted that the doors couldn't tell they weren't closed properly and we whizzed off down the track with the chap tugging at his coat and eventually succeeding in pulling it through the slightly open doors.
On arrival at London Bridge we were met with another huge crowd, this time of passengers who were waiting to get through the barriers to the Northern line, which had been closed to prevent over crowding. The overhead announcements were repeating their apologies for the closure and suggesting that those people who were heading for Monument might possibly wish to set off across London Bridge thus preventing a delay to their journey. This needless to say had absolutely no effect on the bleating crowds who merely huddled closer to the barrier as if this would magically make them open, in a kind of "baaa, walk? Baaa London Bridge?" manner. The barriers remained closed and all they succeeded in doing was blocking the exit for those lucky souls who had made it to their destination.
The joys of cattle prods have never figured so largely in my thoughts.
Thursday, 28 September 2006
Wednesday, 20 September 2006
tripping the Light Rantastic
Hurrah! The "Massive Golf Sale" Man was there today, I have missed him and I have missed being able to rant about him.
However for all of you out there who like me, thought this was merely an irritating abuse of the English language check out this link:
http://www.greatbigstuff.com/golfball.html
I am feeling generally rantastic today – rantastic is a portmanteau word that I coined to describe when I am feeling good about myself, but also grumpy about the world.
This is an unusual time of month for me to feel rantastic and I can only put it down to the fabulous sunshine, and an evening spent in the company of my chum Square Jawed Ed. (SJE) If the Spectator is champagne for the brain (grrr there's a rant right there) then SJE is cocaine for the brain. By this I obviously mean that his company is highly stimulating, not that it makes me talk a lot of b*llox at high speed and think I'm right all the time – although he does sometimes bring that out in me too. But in general a conversation with SJE is a conversation spent looking at the world from a different angle and with an evil sense of humour - and it always leaves me ready to tell the world exactly where it is going wrong.
But I digress, ranting needs an audience so here is my selection of things that have made me rant already today:
Euphemisms for death (BBC News) – "passed on", "passed away", "left us" and today's particular irritant "lost their lives". I know there are many uses of the word "lost" but I hate the inference of carelessness. Lives are not car keys, these people didn't put their lives down and forget where they left them, they died, suddenly and violently and in the service of their country and quite honestly I think the BBC should just say that.
"You'll get piles sitting on that cold kerb" (helpful old lady at bus stop). No, I really won't!
The website http://www.medinfo.co.uk/conditions/haemorrhoids.htmllists the following causes for piles:
Causes
Hemorrhoids are very common. They are said to be more common in countries where the diet has traditionally been more processed and low in fibre. The main contributory causes are those things that cause us to raise the pressure in the abdomen. This causes the blood vessels to swell and become engorged.
It seems that the people most at risk of developing hemorrhoids are those who have more causes for raised abdominal pressure, such as:
Those chronically straining with constipation.
After or during pregnancy. Here, the baby may actually press on the main blood vessel that returns blood to the heart (the vena cava).
Overweight people.
People with heavy lifting jobs.
Nowhere does it mention sitting on cold stones, please, helpful old people I beg of you, STOP TELLING ME THIS – IT DRIVES ME NUTS (and that includes you Mother!)
The misuse of the expression "mano a mano" to mean "man to man". (This is my fault for listening to macho traders' phone conversations on the train). "Mano a mano" does not mean "man to man", it means "hand to hand". It is not possible to talk to some one hand to hand, in single combat unless possibly you are arguing in sign language!
This reminds of another thing that was guaranteed to get a rise out of me when I managed a coffee bar in my dim and distant past, which was the common misconception that espresso is pronounced expresso and means only "served quickly". I remember one Saturday morning, short staffed and with a queue out of the door, overhearing a customer complain that he hadn't got his coffee very quickly considering it was an expresso. His face was a picture when I turned to him and said "Actually sir it is pronounced espresso, and also means "produced under pressure" and you must be blind if you think your coffee wasn't produced under pressure in every sense of the word this morning." Not my finest Public Relations moment but it felt so good. Sadly I left that job not long after.
There really is nothing like a job working with the Great British Public to bring out the ranter in you. Things guaranteed to wind us up in the office include:
Clients who ring up and read out the website to us on the phone. "It says here the boat hire is £220 per hour" (Yes we know this we wrote the website) and inevitably they follow this with "is that right?" (No it's completely wrong we just put it there for a laugh because we were bored one morning.)
Clients (always, always teachers) who say "so the buffet is £8.95 a head?" (Yes that's right) "How much would that be for 100 people?" (Answer: I imagine somewhere in the region of £895 sir )
And my personal favourite:
Clients who phone us to say "I'm at the top of the pier where do I go?" (onto the pier …) and then when they get onto the boat that is our office (bearing in mind that they have come here to hire a boat) say "ooh are we on the water – doesn't it make you sick?" (No it doesn't, otherwise I would be having this conversation with you from under my desk with my head in a bin)
I have to report however that this morning I have been outdone completely in the being rude politely stakes by Alice who held the following conversation:
A: "Good morning, [name of company]"
C: "Oh I think I have the wrong number, but perhaps you can help me anyway .. can you give me the number for "On the Rocks" in Sheffield?" (we are based in London)
A: "I'll just connect you" and hangs up phone.
All power to Alice - ranters of the world unite.
However for all of you out there who like me, thought this was merely an irritating abuse of the English language check out this link:
http://www.greatbigstuff.com/golfball.html
I am feeling generally rantastic today – rantastic is a portmanteau word that I coined to describe when I am feeling good about myself, but also grumpy about the world.
This is an unusual time of month for me to feel rantastic and I can only put it down to the fabulous sunshine, and an evening spent in the company of my chum Square Jawed Ed. (SJE) If the Spectator is champagne for the brain (grrr there's a rant right there) then SJE is cocaine for the brain. By this I obviously mean that his company is highly stimulating, not that it makes me talk a lot of b*llox at high speed and think I'm right all the time – although he does sometimes bring that out in me too. But in general a conversation with SJE is a conversation spent looking at the world from a different angle and with an evil sense of humour - and it always leaves me ready to tell the world exactly where it is going wrong.
But I digress, ranting needs an audience so here is my selection of things that have made me rant already today:
Euphemisms for death (BBC News) – "passed on", "passed away", "left us" and today's particular irritant "lost their lives". I know there are many uses of the word "lost" but I hate the inference of carelessness. Lives are not car keys, these people didn't put their lives down and forget where they left them, they died, suddenly and violently and in the service of their country and quite honestly I think the BBC should just say that.
"You'll get piles sitting on that cold kerb" (helpful old lady at bus stop). No, I really won't!
The website http://www.medinfo.co.uk/conditions/haemorrhoids.htmllists the following causes for piles:
Causes
Hemorrhoids are very common. They are said to be more common in countries where the diet has traditionally been more processed and low in fibre. The main contributory causes are those things that cause us to raise the pressure in the abdomen. This causes the blood vessels to swell and become engorged.
It seems that the people most at risk of developing hemorrhoids are those who have more causes for raised abdominal pressure, such as:
Those chronically straining with constipation.
After or during pregnancy. Here, the baby may actually press on the main blood vessel that returns blood to the heart (the vena cava).
Overweight people.
People with heavy lifting jobs.
Nowhere does it mention sitting on cold stones, please, helpful old people I beg of you, STOP TELLING ME THIS – IT DRIVES ME NUTS (and that includes you Mother!)
The misuse of the expression "mano a mano" to mean "man to man". (This is my fault for listening to macho traders' phone conversations on the train). "Mano a mano" does not mean "man to man", it means "hand to hand". It is not possible to talk to some one hand to hand, in single combat unless possibly you are arguing in sign language!
This reminds of another thing that was guaranteed to get a rise out of me when I managed a coffee bar in my dim and distant past, which was the common misconception that espresso is pronounced expresso and means only "served quickly". I remember one Saturday morning, short staffed and with a queue out of the door, overhearing a customer complain that he hadn't got his coffee very quickly considering it was an expresso. His face was a picture when I turned to him and said "Actually sir it is pronounced espresso, and also means "produced under pressure" and you must be blind if you think your coffee wasn't produced under pressure in every sense of the word this morning." Not my finest Public Relations moment but it felt so good. Sadly I left that job not long after.
There really is nothing like a job working with the Great British Public to bring out the ranter in you. Things guaranteed to wind us up in the office include:
Clients who ring up and read out the website to us on the phone. "It says here the boat hire is £220 per hour" (Yes we know this we wrote the website) and inevitably they follow this with "is that right?" (No it's completely wrong we just put it there for a laugh because we were bored one morning.)
Clients (always, always teachers) who say "so the buffet is £8.95 a head?" (Yes that's right) "How much would that be for 100 people?" (Answer: I imagine somewhere in the region of £895 sir )
And my personal favourite:
Clients who phone us to say "I'm at the top of the pier where do I go?" (onto the pier …) and then when they get onto the boat that is our office (bearing in mind that they have come here to hire a boat) say "ooh are we on the water – doesn't it make you sick?" (No it doesn't, otherwise I would be having this conversation with you from under my desk with my head in a bin)
I have to report however that this morning I have been outdone completely in the being rude politely stakes by Alice who held the following conversation:
A: "Good morning, [name of company]"
C: "Oh I think I have the wrong number, but perhaps you can help me anyway .. can you give me the number for "On the Rocks" in Sheffield?" (we are based in London)
A: "I'll just connect you" and hangs up phone.
All power to Alice - ranters of the world unite.
Monday, 18 September 2006
Thing children say part 2 ...
Conversational openers at the dinner table that you know aren't going to end well:
"You know those things Doctors call testicles?" ....
"You know those things Doctors call testicles?" ....
Sunday, 17 September 2006
Things children say part 1 ....
My partner's seven year old son on the dietry problems faced by people who run away to the circus:
"I would never join the circus, I don't want to have to eat fire"
"I would never join the circus, I don't want to have to eat fire"
Thursday, 14 September 2006
Alice is starting to happen Category
People we need your help! Alice (she of the mermaid tail) is in search of a man. Like Old Ma Hubbard she has gone to the cupboard and the cupboard is bare. We suggested looking in the closet as an alternative but there were concerns that it might be like cleaning your teeth with a coconut doormat!
So we are now opening the search to the world and inviting applications.
No smoking, no drugs, no chavs, no David Hasselhoff look-alikes, no one that smells like cabbage or drinks anything that smells like cabbage, normal manners, must like animals and travel. No marrried men, no bunny boilers, no one who expects sex on a first date. Tall (you must be 5 ft 11 or over to go on this ride) reasonably fit (Alice can run). Probably best if you aren't a wine snob for reasons that will become clear the first time you buy her a glass of red wine.
If you think you can cope with these, quite frankly, normal requirments please apply directly to Alice at www.myspace.com/aliceloveswonderland and make sure you supply a photo (of course your looks matter, she gorgeous not perfect!)
4 Comments
Andy
That is brilliant...Im sure, after that write up she's going to be off the proverbial shelf before you can say Peekabook Bangs...
Posted by Andy on Friday, September 15, 2006 - 1:03 PM
Al
Yes very amusing! But very accurate!well done you. Just to you know, I will accept applications from anyone who is from 5ft 8upwards, so dont worry if your a few inches out!! (I am only joking by the way!I'm not that shallow!)
Posted by Al on Friday, September 15, 2006 - 1:03 PM
Yes very amusing! But very accurate!well done you. Just to you know, I will accept applications from anyone who is from 5ft 8upwards, so dont worry if your a few inches out!! (I am only joking by the way!I'm not that shallow!)
Posted by Al on Friday, September 15, 2006 - 1:03 PM
Peekaboo Bangs
You see boys - no need to worry about those extra few inches with Alice (who claims to have approved of this post but has dropped a glass of wine on me this morning! It's hard to look glamourous when you look like you have pee'd yourself and smell like a wino - but who I am kidding - I came to work in a kagool this morning - maybe this just isn't one of my glam days!)
Posted by Peekaboo Bangs on Friday, September 15, 2006 - 1:11 PM
You see boys - no need to worry about those extra few inches with Alice (who claims to have approved of this post but has dropped a glass of wine on me this morning! It's hard to look glamourous when you look like you have pee'd yourself and smell like a wino - but who I am kidding - I came to work in a kagool this morning - maybe this just isn't one of my glam days!)
Posted by Peekaboo Bangs on Friday, September 15, 2006 - 1:11 PM
Event Organiser Humour
Another event organiser forwarded this to me and it completely sums up the joys of my job, I thought I would share it with you all.
Enjoy!
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas Tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins The Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggybag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the Restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**ing Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Enjoy!
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas Tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins The Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggybag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the Restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**ing Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Monday, 11 September 2006
Overheard on London Bridge
"There are only 3 cases in recorded medical history of what my sister had and she had to have two breast reductions. It's almost like she got it all and I got nothing"
Friday, 8 September 2006
Paper Wars
I have watched with great interest the free paper 'wars' that have started recently in the city. On the one hand you have the vocal, uniformed, employees of Murdoch's "thelondonpaper" (purple is such an imperial colour don't you think?) and on the other the less obviously liveried and kitted out "londonlite".
Until tonight I played the role of collaborator and took one of each, but tonight I decided to take neither and set off across London Bridge dodging and weaving like Luke Skywalker with the entire Imperial Army behind him. I reached Waterloo paperless ("the force is strong with this one") but exhausted by my efforts.
It's not as if I don't already spend enough time dodging people on my commute. There's the Christians (no I don't want to take Jesus as my own personal saviour - I don't share well and if he's mine, no one else can play with him); the sports paper people (commuting in trainers does not make me interested in sport); the gorilla marathon people (again, shoes aside, do I look remotely like I am interested in running anywhere? Let me send you a cheque) and the men's suit people - although I do applaud their efforts in having a man wearing nothing but Y-fronts, shoes and a bowler hat standing around in a body paint suit, even if the poor blighter did appear to be feeling the cold. I'd recommend an extra pair of socks - both for insulation and for the sake of his pride!
Obviously some further thought needs to be given to my evasion tactics, this is definitely not "just like beggar's canyon back home".
Until tonight I played the role of collaborator and took one of each, but tonight I decided to take neither and set off across London Bridge dodging and weaving like Luke Skywalker with the entire Imperial Army behind him. I reached Waterloo paperless ("the force is strong with this one") but exhausted by my efforts.
It's not as if I don't already spend enough time dodging people on my commute. There's the Christians (no I don't want to take Jesus as my own personal saviour - I don't share well and if he's mine, no one else can play with him); the sports paper people (commuting in trainers does not make me interested in sport); the gorilla marathon people (again, shoes aside, do I look remotely like I am interested in running anywhere? Let me send you a cheque) and the men's suit people - although I do applaud their efforts in having a man wearing nothing but Y-fronts, shoes and a bowler hat standing around in a body paint suit, even if the poor blighter did appear to be feeling the cold. I'd recommend an extra pair of socks - both for insulation and for the sake of his pride!
Obviously some further thought needs to be given to my evasion tactics, this is definitely not "just like beggar's canyon back home".
Thursday, 7 September 2006
Messages From the Universe
I am currently rereading "Running from Safety" by Richard Bach and was fascinated again by the idea that the Universe sends us messages if we only open our eyes and look around, so I decided to try an experiment on my tube journey to work.
The obvious place to start is the signs that jump out at you from every angle and in the space of a few minutes I am gratified to find that "life is more exciting if I say yes", that "yes I can" and that I'm "onederful" and "simply devine" - thank you Universe!
I am not so sure about the relevance of "stand on the right", personally I've always leaned to the left, but I know that I am "way out" and "no smoking" is a given. But what I pondered, would my life be like, if I were to "hold onto the handrail and stay away from the edge"?
I am roused from my ponderings by the awareness that a young man is staring at me on the tube. After checking my zip is done up I become convinced that he is reading my mind and became paranoid about what he might make of my mental blithering. I decide to test my theory, so I think to him "are you reading my mind" and waited for a reaction...
... Not so much as a twitch - this guy is good! So do I breath a sigh of relief and drop the whole subject as being paranoid and improbable? No of course not - I take it to the next level by telling some jokes in my head to see if I can trick him into smiling and giving himself away.
Thankfully I get no response - either he isn't psychic, or I'm not as funny as I think I am (votes on a postcard ....) and I am able to leave the tube, mental blithering undetected, only leaving behind me a young man wondering why that strange woman had been squinting at him.
(In case you are wondering, squinting is necessary to psychic transmission!).
The obvious place to start is the signs that jump out at you from every angle and in the space of a few minutes I am gratified to find that "life is more exciting if I say yes", that "yes I can" and that I'm "onederful" and "simply devine" - thank you Universe!
I am not so sure about the relevance of "stand on the right", personally I've always leaned to the left, but I know that I am "way out" and "no smoking" is a given. But what I pondered, would my life be like, if I were to "hold onto the handrail and stay away from the edge"?
I am roused from my ponderings by the awareness that a young man is staring at me on the tube. After checking my zip is done up I become convinced that he is reading my mind and became paranoid about what he might make of my mental blithering. I decide to test my theory, so I think to him "are you reading my mind" and waited for a reaction...
... Not so much as a twitch - this guy is good! So do I breath a sigh of relief and drop the whole subject as being paranoid and improbable? No of course not - I take it to the next level by telling some jokes in my head to see if I can trick him into smiling and giving himself away.
Thankfully I get no response - either he isn't psychic, or I'm not as funny as I think I am (votes on a postcard ....) and I am able to leave the tube, mental blithering undetected, only leaving behind me a young man wondering why that strange woman had been squinting at him.
(In case you are wondering, squinting is necessary to psychic transmission!).
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