December 19th
Discover that secret to "To Do" lists is that if you wait long enough the entire week comes round again, and so spend morning feeling smug that it is only Tuesday and yet already have things ticked off for Thursday.
In light of last posting date, spend day in frenzy of home made card making, which involves fabulous gingerbread design made from recycled cardboard, cookie cutters and white glitter. Am pleased by result but discover while writing envelopes, that I have vastly over estimated number of friends I have and feel slightly depressed. (Note to self – check out possibility of selling gingerbread card glut to company owned by bloke once kissed at 6th form party for vast sum of money – the cards not the kiss, sadly, as would have at that point quite happily have kissed people for money – but do not wish to think about what that says about my morals as a teen! Although on reflection am going to assume this was merely further evidence of budding entrepreneurial spirit fist developed in 2nd year with sale of stamps and 4th year with sale of English essays and forged notes from parents.)
December 20th
Previous embarrassment at always being in pajamas when postman knocks on door pays off when he delivers a parcel from my friend Inge in Denmark, from which she has omitted the house number. Postman says he recognized my name as I always come to the door in PJs and thus he remembers me. Do not explore what it is about the impression I make in my nightwear that has stuck in his head and willfully and without evidence chose to believe it is complimentary.
Entire country is swathed in fog which grounds planes and leads to number of human interest stories in manner of Plane, Train and Automobile about people trying to get home for holidays.
Am particularly irritated by young German woman, who complains that she hasn't been able to get a flight yet despite having followed the instructions given her by the airport (phone ahead, check in early etc) to the letter. Am unclear how any instructions the airport gives (short of get on the runway with your fellow whiners and blow really hard at the fog) could possibly be expected to clear the fog and let her fly. Think this sad reflection on the younger generation's sense of entitlement.
December 21st
Much anticipated visit from Lucy and Lily from Thailand finally arrives. (Traditional summer visit next year cancelled as Lucy will be too with child to fly.) Lily seems to have adapted to weather just fine, but Lucy looks very thin, very brown and very cold despite copious layers and 3 hats worn simultaneously. Turn heating up to tropical temperatures in attempt to remove bluish tinge from Lucy's complexion and order copious amounts of Indian food which helps. Within few hours of their being here feel start of cold and have to give serious thought to theory that I might be allergic to children. This leads to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang flight of fancy in which I build large cave under the house where all the children of Woking must live, but on reflection decide to leave them where they are and just not go out.
Final straw occurs when I am left to mind Lily for a few minutes and she settles down to play quietly on the double bed while dig out some clothes that Lucy might find useful during her pregnancy. I turn back 30 seconds later when Lily says "look at me is this dangerous?" and find she has teleported herself (I think toddlers train the marines about swift and silent movement over terrain) to the metal bedstead and has climbed up it. Do no know if it is my horrified face that distracts her or my leap from the bed, but she slips and in amazing slow motion arcs down to smack her face on the metal I catch her before she hits the floor but there is lots of blood and screaming, and both Lily and I go into shock leaving Lucy to cope. May suggest to Lucy next time that Lily would be safer left in a cave somewhere. Feel distraught that I have broken a two year old and drink bottle of champagne later to console myself.
Christmas
Christmas goes well and HTB and myself have fabulous time with both our families, although have horrid feeling that my drunken rendition of all the songs in Some Like It Hot, make stay with HTB's brother longer than he cares to think about, but I blame the champagne. Watch Queen's speech and am delighted to be able to see one of the boats from my ex workplace through the window over her shoulder and text Rachel immediately (less successful is my champagne fuelled urge to tell my parents but I will draw a veil).
Presents are well received and I am particularly delighted to find that HTB was not being obscene when he offered me a pearl necklace and has in fact bought me one and matching earrings. He in turn is amused by my witty and clever (desperate and far fetched) take on the 12 days of Christmas and seems very keen on the bottle of Grouse in a Pear Tree.
HTB's children are both very well behaved (due in part I think to my convincing C some time ago that all CTV cameras are linked into a worldwide surveillance system run by Santa, can't imagine what numerous security guards have made of small boy waving at them and mouthing Hello Santa, but have fun trying.) They like presents and we have lots of fun playing one particular board game. E has her traditional Christmas illness and HTB and I take it turns to mop up and I reflect on the difference between the amount she has eaten and the amount she expels. (Expelled = aMount Consumed squared)
All in all a good time had by all and we stagger towards New Year non too worse for wear.
Friday, 29 December 2006
Monday, 18 December 2006
We interupt normal transmissions for this word from our sponsor . . .
Fibromyalgia
Since my diagnosis I have found myself trying to explain Fybromyalgia to a number of my family and friends and not doing all that well. It seems that of all my friends only those in the US and Scandinavia have ever heard of it.
I therefore thought would take a small break from my attempts to be amusing and give an introduction to what other people say Fybromyalgia, followed by how it affects me and by extension the people that know me.
It's a bit long and for that I apologise and beg your indulgence – here comes the science:
The Fibromyalgia Network has this to say:
WHAT IS FIBROMYALGIA SYNDROME?
FMS (Fibromyalgia syndrome) is a widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue disorder for which the cause is still unknown. Fibromyalgia means pain in the muscles, ligaments, and tendons – the soft fibrous tissues in the body.
Most patients with FMS say that they ache all over. Their muscles may feel like they have been pulled or overworked. Sometimes the muscles twitch and at other times they burn. More women than men are afflicted with FMS, and it shows up in people of all ages.
To help your family and friends relate to your condition, have them think back to the last time they had a bad flu. Every muscle in their body shouted out in pain. In addition, they felt devoid of energy as though someone had unplugged their power supply. While the severity of symptoms fluctuate from person to person, FMS may resemble a post-viral state. This similarity is the reason experts in the field of FMS and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) believe that these two syndromes may be one and the same. Gulf War syndrome also overlaps with FMS/CFS.
SYMPTOMS AND ASSOCIATED SYNDROMES
Pain - The pain of FMS has no boundaries. People describe the pain as deep muscular aching, throbbing, shooting, and stabbing. Intense burning may also be present. Quite often, the pain and stiffness are worse in the morning and you may hurt more in muscle groups that are used repetitively.
Fatigue - This symptom can be mild in some patients and yet incapacitating in others. The fatigue has been described as "brain fatigue" in which patients feel totally drained of energy. Many patients depict this situation by saying that they feel as though their arms and legs are tied to concrete blocks, and they have difficulty concentrating, e.g., brain fog.
Sleep disorder - Most FMS patients have an associated sleep disorder called the alpha-EEG anomaly. This condition was uncovered in a sleep lab with the aid of a machine which recorded the brain waves of patients during sleep. Researchers found that most FMS patients could fall asleep without much trouble, but their deep level (or stage 4) sleep was constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity. Patients appeared to spend the night with one foot in sleep and the other one out of it.
Sleep lab tests may not be necessary to determine if you have disturbed sleep. If you wake up feeling as though you've just been run over by a Mack truck – what doctors refer to as unrefreshing sleep – it is reasonable for your physician to assume that you have a sleep disorder. Many FMS patients have been found to have other sleep disorders in addition to the alpha-EEG, such as sleep apnea (as well as the newly discovered form of interrupted breathing called upper airway resistance syndrome, or UARS), bruxism (teeth grinding), periodic limb movement during sleep (jerking of arms and legs), and restless legs syndrome (difficulty sitting still in the evenings).
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Constipation, diarrhea, frequent abdominal pain, abdominal gas, and nausea represent symptoms frequently found in roughly 40 to 70% of FMS patients. Acid reflux or gastroesophogeal reflux disease (GRED) also occurs with the same high frequency.
Chronic headaches - Recurrent migraine or tension-type headaches are seen in about 70% of FMS patients and can pose a major problem in coping for this patient group.
Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction Syndrome - This syndrome, sometimes referred to as TMJ or TMD, causes tremendous jaw-related face and head pain in one quarter of FMS patients. However, a 1997 published report indicated that close to 75% of FMS patients have a varying degree of jaw discomfort. Typically, the problems are related to the muscles and ligaments surrounding the jaw joint and not necessarily the joint itself.
Other common symptoms - Premenstrual syndrome and painful periods, chest pain, morning stiffness, cognitive or memory impairment, numbness and tingling sensations, muscle twitching, irritable bladder, the feeling of swollen extremities, skin sensitivities, dry eyes and mouth, dizziness, and impaired coordination can occur. Patients are often sensitive to odors, loud noises, bright lights, and sometimes even the medications that they are prescribed.
Aggravating factors - Changes in weather, cold or drafty environments, infections, allergies, hormonal fluctuations (premenstrual and menopausal states), stress, depression, anxiety and over-exertion may all contribute to symptom flare-ups.
POSSIBLE CAUSES
The cause of FMS remains elusive, but there are many triggering events thought to precipitate its onset. A few examples would be an infection (viral or bacterial), an automobile accident or the development of another disorder, such as rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, or hypothyroidism. These triggering events probably don't cause FMS, but rather, they may awaken an underlying physiological abnormality that is already present.
COMMON TREATMENTS
Traditional treatments are geared toward improving the quality of sleep and reducing pain, which means that a sleep study may aid with individualizing your therapy. Deep level (stage 4) sleep is crucial for many body functions (such as tissue repair, antibody production, and the regulation of various neurotransmitters, hormones and immune system chemicals). Therefore, the sleep disorders that frequently occur in FMS patients are treated first because they may be a strong contributing factor to the symptoms of this condition. Medications that boost your body's level of serotonin and norepinephrine (neurotransmitters that modulate sleep, pain, and immune system function) are commonly prescribed in low doses, such as amitriptyline, cyclobenzaprine and Cymbalta. Ambien, Lunesta, clonazepam, and trazodone are just a few of the medications that may be used to aid sleep. Ultram may help with the pain, although stronger opioids may be needed for treating moderate to severe pain. Muscle relaxants, anti-epileptics (such as Neurontin and Lyrica) and other drug categories may be prescribed as well.
In addition to medications, most patients will need to use other treatment methods as well, such as trigger point injections with lidocaine, physical therapy, occupational therapy, acupuncture, acupressure, relaxation/biofeedback techniques, osteopathic manipulation, chiropractic care, therapeutic massage, or a gentle exercise program.
WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS?
Long term follow-up studies on FMS have shown that it is chronic, but the symptoms may wax and wane. The impact that FMS has on daily living activities, including the ability to work a full-time job, differs among patients. Overall, studies show that FMS may be equally as disabling as rheumatoid arthritis.
WIKIPEDIA SAYS THIS:
Fibromyalgia can start as a result of some trauma (such as a traffic accident) or major surgery (usually hysterectomy), but there is currently no known strong correlation between any specific type of trigger and the subsequent initiation of Fibromyalgia. Symptoms can have a slow onset, and many patients have mild symptoms beginning in childhood, such as growing pains. Symptoms are often aggravated by unrelated illness or changes in the weather. They can become more tolerable or less tolerable throughout daily or yearly cycles; however, many people with Fibromyalgia find that, at least some of the time, the condition prevents them from performing normal activities such as driving a car or walking up stairs. The syndrome does not cause inflammation as is presented in arthritis, but anti-inflammatory treatments, such as Ibuprofen and Iontophoresis, are known to temporarily reduce pain symptoms in some people.
Living with fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia can affect every aspect of a person's life. While neither degenerative nor fatal, the chronic pain associated with Fibromyalgia is pervasive and persistent. FMS can severely curtail social activity and recreation, and as many as 30% of those diagnosed with Fibromyalgia are unable to maintain full-time employment. Like others with disabilities, individuals with FMS often need accommodations to fully participate in their education or remain active in their careers.
In the United Kingdom, the Department for Work and Pensions recognizes Fibromyalgia as a condition for the purpose of claiming benefits and assistance.
Fibromyalgia is often referred to as an "invisible" illness or disability due to the fact that generally there are no outward indications of the illness or its resulting disabilities. The invisible nature of the illness, as well as its relative rarity and the lack of understanding about its pathology, often has psychosocial complications for those that have the syndrome. Individuals suffering from invisible illnesses in general often face disbelief or accusations of malingering or laziness from others that are unfamiliar with the syndrome.
___________________________________________________________
Well that ends the science bit thanks for hanging in if you have made it this far – here is my bit:
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS!
For me it explains a lot of stuff – the pain, the exhaustion, the falling down when I over do things and even the little stuff like my inability to tolerate whistling, the smell of some perfumes and strong sunlight even in winter (ya boo sucks to my ex boss who thought I was either posing or hung over when I came in wearing sunglasses during February!) It's also a vindication of years of feeling that maybe I was lazy or mad and an opportunity to say to those relationships in the past that have fallen foul of my tiredness, or sadness, I'm sorry but it wasn't all my fault, maybe if we'd known I was ill we'd have been kinder to each other.
I think that although I had been predisposed as a child to fainting and fatigue (I was off school for 3 months with post viral fatigue during 6th form) the constant pain and tiredness date from an ectopic pregnancy in 2000.
The pain varies form day to day and often hour to hour, during a flare up it can be almost unbearable. I find relief through pain killers and heat, but the painkillers don't always touch the pain. When thing are bad I lie down … a lot … this doesn't always mean sleeping (although sometimes it does for hours and hours), in a flare up I am lucky if I sleep before 1am and after 3am – this is stressful for someone who needs 8 hours a night to even like the rest of the human race.
Flare ups can last a few days or sometimes weeks, my worst one ever was triggered by flu a couple of years ago and I ended up unable to walk that took months to get over. Mine are usually triggered by catching anything from anyone, stress (almost instantaneously) and changes in the temperature/weather. This makes me very strange to live and work with, and paranoid about infection. I am currently in a flare up that has lasted nearly a month and have not felt well enough to work since I left my job at the end of October. This is not the first job I have had to leave because I was unwell, but is the one I feel most upset about leaving.
This also means I have to ration my outings and schedule social functions carefully. This leaves me feeling rude and pathetic when I say to people "can we do this another night? I have something already scheduled the next day and will need to rest before hand" So sometimes I don't say it, over do it and literally fall over the day after. When I am unwell I pay for any kind of activity with some amount of lying down time within the next few days. Sometimes good days can turn into bad ones quickly and again I'm left with the choice of pulling out and being rude or tiring myself out. I get cross about giving up stuff I have looked forward to, I don't just go out to not appear rude – I go out because I want to and damn the cost. Sometimes the cost is high.
By far the worse symptom for me is the "fibro fog". I have always prided myself on my smarts and having struggled as a child with dyslexia, worked hard at my spelling and vocabulary. When I am ill both desert me – I can't spell and worse can't see that I have spelt something wrong until someone laughs at me (this hurts!). Sometimes I can't finish sentences because I can't think of the words and sometimes because I can't remember the subject of the conversation, this make me feel stupid. I hate being stupid, hate it!
It is hard to be bright and well informed when you can't remember what you have read. My friends, God bless them all have all become brilliant at charades style conversations where they guess the conversation from gesturing and clues, those that couldn't be bothered have sadly fallen by the wayside, this makes me sad, but "love me tolerate my foibles" is my new motto.
I forget things – things people have told me, places I have put thing, why I am standing in a room. This is embarrassing as I have always had a good memory, some of my friends call me their memory, to me not remembering something someone tells me implies not caring, this isn't so in my case, but I worry that they will think so. In Thailand I found myself in front to a mirror totally unable to say why I was sat there holding my hair, eventually I remembered I was going to plait it to go to the beach. This was when I realised I no longer knew how to plait hair – a skill I had mastered 30 years before. Getting ready to go out now takes longer than ever as I can guarantee it will involve a search for something I picked up to wear, put down again and cannot find. Last week I spent 15 minutes looking for a pair of stockings I had got out, only to have to get out a replacement pair, I then spent another 10 minutes looking for one of them to have my partner point out I was wearing it already. (My partner by the way deserves a medal) .I later found the original pair in a different drawer with no idea why I put them there or memory of doing so.
Right now I have no idea where my house keys are and daren't take the spare set in case I lose them too. For some reason I found light bulbs in the fridge and often have to go through bins for things I have thrown away that I meant to put away. Going to our kitchen cupboards is always an adventure.
Last but not least are the mood swings – woo hoo what fun! The fun part for me is sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but can't stop (apologies here in particular go to HTB and Rachel- they both know when I mean) and sometimes I have genuine reason to be upset but am told I am over reacting. (This never, ever, ever calms me down by the way – it just doesn't work, but I don't think this is because I have FM, or even because I am female I think telling people what they think or feel doesn't work!) I am reminded of a cartoon in which the guy is looking at the woman and his diary and saying "you mean it wasn't PMT?" Sometime it isn't the FM, sometimes I am genuinely p*ssed off – telling the difference is what makes it fun for you!
Anyway as Forest Gump would say, "that's all I have to say about that". This is real, I do have it, I'm sorry when it affects you too and thank you for listening.
Normal transmissions will resume soon.
Since my diagnosis I have found myself trying to explain Fybromyalgia to a number of my family and friends and not doing all that well. It seems that of all my friends only those in the US and Scandinavia have ever heard of it.
I therefore thought would take a small break from my attempts to be amusing and give an introduction to what other people say Fybromyalgia, followed by how it affects me and by extension the people that know me.
It's a bit long and for that I apologise and beg your indulgence – here comes the science:
The Fibromyalgia Network has this to say:
WHAT IS FIBROMYALGIA SYNDROME?
FMS (Fibromyalgia syndrome) is a widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue disorder for which the cause is still unknown. Fibromyalgia means pain in the muscles, ligaments, and tendons – the soft fibrous tissues in the body.
Most patients with FMS say that they ache all over. Their muscles may feel like they have been pulled or overworked. Sometimes the muscles twitch and at other times they burn. More women than men are afflicted with FMS, and it shows up in people of all ages.
To help your family and friends relate to your condition, have them think back to the last time they had a bad flu. Every muscle in their body shouted out in pain. In addition, they felt devoid of energy as though someone had unplugged their power supply. While the severity of symptoms fluctuate from person to person, FMS may resemble a post-viral state. This similarity is the reason experts in the field of FMS and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) believe that these two syndromes may be one and the same. Gulf War syndrome also overlaps with FMS/CFS.
SYMPTOMS AND ASSOCIATED SYNDROMES
Pain - The pain of FMS has no boundaries. People describe the pain as deep muscular aching, throbbing, shooting, and stabbing. Intense burning may also be present. Quite often, the pain and stiffness are worse in the morning and you may hurt more in muscle groups that are used repetitively.
Fatigue - This symptom can be mild in some patients and yet incapacitating in others. The fatigue has been described as "brain fatigue" in which patients feel totally drained of energy. Many patients depict this situation by saying that they feel as though their arms and legs are tied to concrete blocks, and they have difficulty concentrating, e.g., brain fog.
Sleep disorder - Most FMS patients have an associated sleep disorder called the alpha-EEG anomaly. This condition was uncovered in a sleep lab with the aid of a machine which recorded the brain waves of patients during sleep. Researchers found that most FMS patients could fall asleep without much trouble, but their deep level (or stage 4) sleep was constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity. Patients appeared to spend the night with one foot in sleep and the other one out of it.
Sleep lab tests may not be necessary to determine if you have disturbed sleep. If you wake up feeling as though you've just been run over by a Mack truck – what doctors refer to as unrefreshing sleep – it is reasonable for your physician to assume that you have a sleep disorder. Many FMS patients have been found to have other sleep disorders in addition to the alpha-EEG, such as sleep apnea (as well as the newly discovered form of interrupted breathing called upper airway resistance syndrome, or UARS), bruxism (teeth grinding), periodic limb movement during sleep (jerking of arms and legs), and restless legs syndrome (difficulty sitting still in the evenings).
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Constipation, diarrhea, frequent abdominal pain, abdominal gas, and nausea represent symptoms frequently found in roughly 40 to 70% of FMS patients. Acid reflux or gastroesophogeal reflux disease (GRED) also occurs with the same high frequency.
Chronic headaches - Recurrent migraine or tension-type headaches are seen in about 70% of FMS patients and can pose a major problem in coping for this patient group.
Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction Syndrome - This syndrome, sometimes referred to as TMJ or TMD, causes tremendous jaw-related face and head pain in one quarter of FMS patients. However, a 1997 published report indicated that close to 75% of FMS patients have a varying degree of jaw discomfort. Typically, the problems are related to the muscles and ligaments surrounding the jaw joint and not necessarily the joint itself.
Other common symptoms - Premenstrual syndrome and painful periods, chest pain, morning stiffness, cognitive or memory impairment, numbness and tingling sensations, muscle twitching, irritable bladder, the feeling of swollen extremities, skin sensitivities, dry eyes and mouth, dizziness, and impaired coordination can occur. Patients are often sensitive to odors, loud noises, bright lights, and sometimes even the medications that they are prescribed.
Aggravating factors - Changes in weather, cold or drafty environments, infections, allergies, hormonal fluctuations (premenstrual and menopausal states), stress, depression, anxiety and over-exertion may all contribute to symptom flare-ups.
POSSIBLE CAUSES
The cause of FMS remains elusive, but there are many triggering events thought to precipitate its onset. A few examples would be an infection (viral or bacterial), an automobile accident or the development of another disorder, such as rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, or hypothyroidism. These triggering events probably don't cause FMS, but rather, they may awaken an underlying physiological abnormality that is already present.
COMMON TREATMENTS
Traditional treatments are geared toward improving the quality of sleep and reducing pain, which means that a sleep study may aid with individualizing your therapy. Deep level (stage 4) sleep is crucial for many body functions (such as tissue repair, antibody production, and the regulation of various neurotransmitters, hormones and immune system chemicals). Therefore, the sleep disorders that frequently occur in FMS patients are treated first because they may be a strong contributing factor to the symptoms of this condition. Medications that boost your body's level of serotonin and norepinephrine (neurotransmitters that modulate sleep, pain, and immune system function) are commonly prescribed in low doses, such as amitriptyline, cyclobenzaprine and Cymbalta. Ambien, Lunesta, clonazepam, and trazodone are just a few of the medications that may be used to aid sleep. Ultram may help with the pain, although stronger opioids may be needed for treating moderate to severe pain. Muscle relaxants, anti-epileptics (such as Neurontin and Lyrica) and other drug categories may be prescribed as well.
In addition to medications, most patients will need to use other treatment methods as well, such as trigger point injections with lidocaine, physical therapy, occupational therapy, acupuncture, acupressure, relaxation/biofeedback techniques, osteopathic manipulation, chiropractic care, therapeutic massage, or a gentle exercise program.
WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS?
Long term follow-up studies on FMS have shown that it is chronic, but the symptoms may wax and wane. The impact that FMS has on daily living activities, including the ability to work a full-time job, differs among patients. Overall, studies show that FMS may be equally as disabling as rheumatoid arthritis.
WIKIPEDIA SAYS THIS:
Fibromyalgia can start as a result of some trauma (such as a traffic accident) or major surgery (usually hysterectomy), but there is currently no known strong correlation between any specific type of trigger and the subsequent initiation of Fibromyalgia. Symptoms can have a slow onset, and many patients have mild symptoms beginning in childhood, such as growing pains. Symptoms are often aggravated by unrelated illness or changes in the weather. They can become more tolerable or less tolerable throughout daily or yearly cycles; however, many people with Fibromyalgia find that, at least some of the time, the condition prevents them from performing normal activities such as driving a car or walking up stairs. The syndrome does not cause inflammation as is presented in arthritis, but anti-inflammatory treatments, such as Ibuprofen and Iontophoresis, are known to temporarily reduce pain symptoms in some people.
Living with fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia can affect every aspect of a person's life. While neither degenerative nor fatal, the chronic pain associated with Fibromyalgia is pervasive and persistent. FMS can severely curtail social activity and recreation, and as many as 30% of those diagnosed with Fibromyalgia are unable to maintain full-time employment. Like others with disabilities, individuals with FMS often need accommodations to fully participate in their education or remain active in their careers.
In the United Kingdom, the Department for Work and Pensions recognizes Fibromyalgia as a condition for the purpose of claiming benefits and assistance.
Fibromyalgia is often referred to as an "invisible" illness or disability due to the fact that generally there are no outward indications of the illness or its resulting disabilities. The invisible nature of the illness, as well as its relative rarity and the lack of understanding about its pathology, often has psychosocial complications for those that have the syndrome. Individuals suffering from invisible illnesses in general often face disbelief or accusations of malingering or laziness from others that are unfamiliar with the syndrome.
___________________________________________________________
Well that ends the science bit thanks for hanging in if you have made it this far – here is my bit:
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS!
For me it explains a lot of stuff – the pain, the exhaustion, the falling down when I over do things and even the little stuff like my inability to tolerate whistling, the smell of some perfumes and strong sunlight even in winter (ya boo sucks to my ex boss who thought I was either posing or hung over when I came in wearing sunglasses during February!) It's also a vindication of years of feeling that maybe I was lazy or mad and an opportunity to say to those relationships in the past that have fallen foul of my tiredness, or sadness, I'm sorry but it wasn't all my fault, maybe if we'd known I was ill we'd have been kinder to each other.
I think that although I had been predisposed as a child to fainting and fatigue (I was off school for 3 months with post viral fatigue during 6th form) the constant pain and tiredness date from an ectopic pregnancy in 2000.
The pain varies form day to day and often hour to hour, during a flare up it can be almost unbearable. I find relief through pain killers and heat, but the painkillers don't always touch the pain. When thing are bad I lie down … a lot … this doesn't always mean sleeping (although sometimes it does for hours and hours), in a flare up I am lucky if I sleep before 1am and after 3am – this is stressful for someone who needs 8 hours a night to even like the rest of the human race.
Flare ups can last a few days or sometimes weeks, my worst one ever was triggered by flu a couple of years ago and I ended up unable to walk that took months to get over. Mine are usually triggered by catching anything from anyone, stress (almost instantaneously) and changes in the temperature/weather. This makes me very strange to live and work with, and paranoid about infection. I am currently in a flare up that has lasted nearly a month and have not felt well enough to work since I left my job at the end of October. This is not the first job I have had to leave because I was unwell, but is the one I feel most upset about leaving.
This also means I have to ration my outings and schedule social functions carefully. This leaves me feeling rude and pathetic when I say to people "can we do this another night? I have something already scheduled the next day and will need to rest before hand" So sometimes I don't say it, over do it and literally fall over the day after. When I am unwell I pay for any kind of activity with some amount of lying down time within the next few days. Sometimes good days can turn into bad ones quickly and again I'm left with the choice of pulling out and being rude or tiring myself out. I get cross about giving up stuff I have looked forward to, I don't just go out to not appear rude – I go out because I want to and damn the cost. Sometimes the cost is high.
By far the worse symptom for me is the "fibro fog". I have always prided myself on my smarts and having struggled as a child with dyslexia, worked hard at my spelling and vocabulary. When I am ill both desert me – I can't spell and worse can't see that I have spelt something wrong until someone laughs at me (this hurts!). Sometimes I can't finish sentences because I can't think of the words and sometimes because I can't remember the subject of the conversation, this make me feel stupid. I hate being stupid, hate it!
It is hard to be bright and well informed when you can't remember what you have read. My friends, God bless them all have all become brilliant at charades style conversations where they guess the conversation from gesturing and clues, those that couldn't be bothered have sadly fallen by the wayside, this makes me sad, but "love me tolerate my foibles" is my new motto.
I forget things – things people have told me, places I have put thing, why I am standing in a room. This is embarrassing as I have always had a good memory, some of my friends call me their memory, to me not remembering something someone tells me implies not caring, this isn't so in my case, but I worry that they will think so. In Thailand I found myself in front to a mirror totally unable to say why I was sat there holding my hair, eventually I remembered I was going to plait it to go to the beach. This was when I realised I no longer knew how to plait hair – a skill I had mastered 30 years before. Getting ready to go out now takes longer than ever as I can guarantee it will involve a search for something I picked up to wear, put down again and cannot find. Last week I spent 15 minutes looking for a pair of stockings I had got out, only to have to get out a replacement pair, I then spent another 10 minutes looking for one of them to have my partner point out I was wearing it already. (My partner by the way deserves a medal) .I later found the original pair in a different drawer with no idea why I put them there or memory of doing so.
Right now I have no idea where my house keys are and daren't take the spare set in case I lose them too. For some reason I found light bulbs in the fridge and often have to go through bins for things I have thrown away that I meant to put away. Going to our kitchen cupboards is always an adventure.
Last but not least are the mood swings – woo hoo what fun! The fun part for me is sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but can't stop (apologies here in particular go to HTB and Rachel- they both know when I mean) and sometimes I have genuine reason to be upset but am told I am over reacting. (This never, ever, ever calms me down by the way – it just doesn't work, but I don't think this is because I have FM, or even because I am female I think telling people what they think or feel doesn't work!) I am reminded of a cartoon in which the guy is looking at the woman and his diary and saying "you mean it wasn't PMT?" Sometime it isn't the FM, sometimes I am genuinely p*ssed off – telling the difference is what makes it fun for you!
Anyway as Forest Gump would say, "that's all I have to say about that". This is real, I do have it, I'm sorry when it affects you too and thank you for listening.
Normal transmissions will resume soon.
The Princess and the Peeve
Monday 11th December
Am paying for excitement and activities of last week with down turn in health. Make huge "to do" list and then ignore it completely as unable to stir myself from sofa. Think with longing to far off days of last week when lounging was a problem as opposite now quite true.
Get into staring competition with unfeasibly large squirrel in front garden who sits on a branch just level with the sitting room window. To add insult to injury the squirrel wins and I am subjected to the humiliation of watching him and his pal doing a little rodent victory dance on the front lawn. Dance comes to abrupt end when I release the cats, being all out of winged monkeys.
Cats deeply unimpressed about being woken to police squirrel festivities and sulk for rest of day.
Tuesday 12th
Am greatly amused when HTB tells me that a member of his team who doesn't usually read my blog is very peeved that I have called her the team princess. On the basis that the blog is anonymous am unclear how she knows I am writing about her unless she recognizes herself. Even better can only think that some else must also have thought they recognized her to have drawn the blog to her attention in the first place.
Try to recall who actually said the only defense against libel is the truth, but feel sure that number of friends including Square Jawed Ed will let me know, no doubt correcting my quote along the way, if number of emails I got after blogging about Friday 13th is anything to go by.
Old friend calls me to tell me that his affair is over, his mistress has left him for other married man she is dating and he is heart broken having realized she is the one he really wants to be with. However he can't really talk as he is at work and can he call me later. I am still drawing breath to reply when he goes and I spend afternoon worrying about him.
He on the other hand spends entire afternoon texting back and forth with the mistress in a very not-over-at-all manner and doesn't see link between this activity and his greatly cheered spirits when I call him in the evening. Also sees nothing odd in texting mistress while emailing wife and talking to me all at the same time, so set him straight.
Has now decided not necessary to do anything rash and I retort rather acidly that this is possibly because being dumped hasn't actually altered his relationship with his mistress one jot.
Wednesday 13th December
Receive cheque in post from fond parents and decide to celebrate with champagne at ballet in the evening. Swan Lake marvelous but very modern interpretation with all male cygnets and gay love interest, but as HTB says you can't fault the music. I am somewhat disappointed that at no point is the performance interrupted by the appearance of two men dressed in roman costumes in manner of Morcambe and Wise, but put this down to being over influenced by films as a child.
Spot David Dimbleby in bar and can't help but notice we have vastly superior seats.
Thursday 14th December
Spend day in bed and notice that squirrels, now named Bert and Ernie on the basis that I have no idea how to sex a squirrel on sight at 20 paces, have taken to sitting on a higher branch when I am upstairs. Wonder how many calls local police get reporting squirrel stalkers but decide not to put it to the test as I don't want to be just another crime statistic.
HTB takes team for Christmas do where he is every excited to stand next to Sarah Beaney off Channel 4 (who happens to be in restaurant and is in no way part of team) and says she is tiny (although hopefully not to her.)
He goes on to attend section drinks and as a consequence is slightly the worse for wear when he sets off home at 8pm. He calls me from Waterloo to say he is on the next train to Woking and I say whatever you do don't fall asleep on the train ha ha! An hour later he calls from Basingstoke<>to tell me he has just woken up there and is waiting for a train back. Suggest that what ever he does he should not buy me a diamond necklace, but sadly there are no jewelers on the platform (his excuse) and I turn down his offer of a pearl necklace as I assume he is being obscene. Finally makes it home after about 2 hours and I feed him, stuff him full of Bender Mender and put him to bed.
Friday 15th December
Feel slightly better and able to potter around. Finally get some of the things on my To Do list crossed off.
Turns into nostalgia week and I hear from an ex-husband, my ex-fiance from America who wants to tell me he's married and an ex don't know what you'd call him on the basis that he never stopped living with his girlfriend long enough for me to date him and has spent that last 15 years regretting it, who wants to tell me he is going to Australia and will always love me.
Bah humbug says I.
Old friend calls to say that his affair is finally over as his mistress came round, they spent the night together and he has told her it can never be. I ask if on basis that he has reconciled with her so he can dump her in return he feels better about whole thing and he looks startled by this interpretation (MEN!) but agrees he is happier.
Saturday 16th
HTB spends day with his children and I catch up with my friend Inge who tells me she is having a week of nostalgia for people she used to know in other countries and I say it's funny you should mention that … also discuss mutual friend's affair and topic of women's liberation I put forward theory that women have been duped by idea of liberation and there is now an entire generation of women who are burned out from trying to "have it all" just like men, while ignoring that men didn't have it all, they had careers and they had women, who did the rest for them. We end the conversation with a few tips for Inge on how to track people down and I suggest 192.com and freindsreunited.co.uk as being a good place to start a career in international stalking.
December 18th
My appointment with the specialist finally arrives and after 7 years of pain and fatigue I have a name for what is wrong with me – medically speaking at least. The specialist confirms my Doctor's theory that I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome. Imagine that in specialist's line of work he is used to patients reacting to diagnoses with delight and he takes my offer of my first born in his stride. He also tells me he is going to be able to suggest some drugs for the insomnia and acupuncture for the pain and says that while there isn't a cure most people come to an accommodation through lifestyle changes but warns me about mood swings and suggests possible psychiatric consult in future. I walk out in a daze trying to decide how much difference a name makes and HTB smugly points out entire diagnosis took 20 minutes.
Am further cheered when rather nice young man taking my blood for further tests double checks my year of birth as being a typo and then keeps repeating in dazed manner "you really, really don't look it" am just on point of considering elopement when test tube fills and I return to sanity and HTB.
Decide on basis of post diagnosis euphoria to brave Christmas crowds at Tescos and I come to clearer understanding of specialist's warning about mood swings when the blues descend suddenly and I am seized by the urge to kick over a pile of frozen turkeys while screaming f*ck Christmas at the top of my voice. I resist, but the fantasy cheers me sufficiently to enable me to stagger through rest of shopping and pick out bottle of something Grousish for HTB.
Have religious conversion and realize Christmas truly time for miracles when woman at till asks me if I am old enough to buy alcohol. She on other hand deeply disturbed by my public declaration of love for her and possibly also by the photo I have on my driver's licence which have to admit could possibly scar her for life.
Head home for celebratory drink and long conversations with friends and family.
Am paying for excitement and activities of last week with down turn in health. Make huge "to do" list and then ignore it completely as unable to stir myself from sofa. Think with longing to far off days of last week when lounging was a problem as opposite now quite true.
Get into staring competition with unfeasibly large squirrel in front garden who sits on a branch just level with the sitting room window. To add insult to injury the squirrel wins and I am subjected to the humiliation of watching him and his pal doing a little rodent victory dance on the front lawn. Dance comes to abrupt end when I release the cats, being all out of winged monkeys.
Cats deeply unimpressed about being woken to police squirrel festivities and sulk for rest of day.
Tuesday 12th
Am greatly amused when HTB tells me that a member of his team who doesn't usually read my blog is very peeved that I have called her the team princess. On the basis that the blog is anonymous am unclear how she knows I am writing about her unless she recognizes herself. Even better can only think that some else must also have thought they recognized her to have drawn the blog to her attention in the first place.
Try to recall who actually said the only defense against libel is the truth, but feel sure that number of friends including Square Jawed Ed will let me know, no doubt correcting my quote along the way, if number of emails I got after blogging about Friday 13th is anything to go by.
Old friend calls me to tell me that his affair is over, his mistress has left him for other married man she is dating and he is heart broken having realized she is the one he really wants to be with. However he can't really talk as he is at work and can he call me later. I am still drawing breath to reply when he goes and I spend afternoon worrying about him.
He on the other hand spends entire afternoon texting back and forth with the mistress in a very not-over-at-all manner and doesn't see link between this activity and his greatly cheered spirits when I call him in the evening. Also sees nothing odd in texting mistress while emailing wife and talking to me all at the same time, so set him straight.
Has now decided not necessary to do anything rash and I retort rather acidly that this is possibly because being dumped hasn't actually altered his relationship with his mistress one jot.
Wednesday 13th December
Receive cheque in post from fond parents and decide to celebrate with champagne at ballet in the evening. Swan Lake marvelous but very modern interpretation with all male cygnets and gay love interest, but as HTB says you can't fault the music. I am somewhat disappointed that at no point is the performance interrupted by the appearance of two men dressed in roman costumes in manner of Morcambe and Wise, but put this down to being over influenced by films as a child.
Spot David Dimbleby in bar and can't help but notice we have vastly superior seats.
Thursday 14th December
Spend day in bed and notice that squirrels, now named Bert and Ernie on the basis that I have no idea how to sex a squirrel on sight at 20 paces, have taken to sitting on a higher branch when I am upstairs. Wonder how many calls local police get reporting squirrel stalkers but decide not to put it to the test as I don't want to be just another crime statistic.
HTB takes team for Christmas do where he is every excited to stand next to Sarah Beaney off Channel 4 (who happens to be in restaurant and is in no way part of team) and says she is tiny (although hopefully not to her.)
He goes on to attend section drinks and as a consequence is slightly the worse for wear when he sets off home at 8pm. He calls me from Waterloo to say he is on the next train to Woking and I say whatever you do don't fall asleep on the train ha ha! An hour later he calls from Basingstoke<>to tell me he has just woken up there and is waiting for a train back. Suggest that what ever he does he should not buy me a diamond necklace, but sadly there are no jewelers on the platform (his excuse) and I turn down his offer of a pearl necklace as I assume he is being obscene. Finally makes it home after about 2 hours and I feed him, stuff him full of Bender Mender and put him to bed.
Friday 15th December
Feel slightly better and able to potter around. Finally get some of the things on my To Do list crossed off.
Turns into nostalgia week and I hear from an ex-husband, my ex-fiance from America who wants to tell me he's married and an ex don't know what you'd call him on the basis that he never stopped living with his girlfriend long enough for me to date him and has spent that last 15 years regretting it, who wants to tell me he is going to Australia and will always love me.
Bah humbug says I.
Old friend calls to say that his affair is finally over as his mistress came round, they spent the night together and he has told her it can never be. I ask if on basis that he has reconciled with her so he can dump her in return he feels better about whole thing and he looks startled by this interpretation (MEN!) but agrees he is happier.
Saturday 16th
HTB spends day with his children and I catch up with my friend Inge who tells me she is having a week of nostalgia for people she used to know in other countries and I say it's funny you should mention that … also discuss mutual friend's affair and topic of women's liberation I put forward theory that women have been duped by idea of liberation and there is now an entire generation of women who are burned out from trying to "have it all" just like men, while ignoring that men didn't have it all, they had careers and they had women, who did the rest for them. We end the conversation with a few tips for Inge on how to track people down and I suggest 192.com and freindsreunited.co.uk as being a good place to start a career in international stalking.
December 18th
My appointment with the specialist finally arrives and after 7 years of pain and fatigue I have a name for what is wrong with me – medically speaking at least. The specialist confirms my Doctor's theory that I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome. Imagine that in specialist's line of work he is used to patients reacting to diagnoses with delight and he takes my offer of my first born in his stride. He also tells me he is going to be able to suggest some drugs for the insomnia and acupuncture for the pain and says that while there isn't a cure most people come to an accommodation through lifestyle changes but warns me about mood swings and suggests possible psychiatric consult in future. I walk out in a daze trying to decide how much difference a name makes and HTB smugly points out entire diagnosis took 20 minutes.
Am further cheered when rather nice young man taking my blood for further tests double checks my year of birth as being a typo and then keeps repeating in dazed manner "you really, really don't look it" am just on point of considering elopement when test tube fills and I return to sanity and HTB.
Decide on basis of post diagnosis euphoria to brave Christmas crowds at Tescos and I come to clearer understanding of specialist's warning about mood swings when the blues descend suddenly and I am seized by the urge to kick over a pile of frozen turkeys while screaming f*ck Christmas at the top of my voice. I resist, but the fantasy cheers me sufficiently to enable me to stagger through rest of shopping and pick out bottle of something Grousish for HTB.
Have religious conversion and realize Christmas truly time for miracles when woman at till asks me if I am old enough to buy alcohol. She on other hand deeply disturbed by my public declaration of love for her and possibly also by the photo I have on my driver's licence which have to admit could possibly scar her for life.
Head home for celebratory drink and long conversations with friends and family.
Monday, 11 December 2006
Hey Ho the Witch is Dead
5th December
Venture into town for the first time in a long while to meet two of my 3 sisters for lunch and a show.
Tube completely different during day time and I encounter "tube angel" in form of young man who stops to let me go ahead of him on escalator. I thank him profusely but also point out it will take him an awfully long time to get across London if he continues to be nice to people. He replies that it is alright he has plenty of time and smiles at me in such a way that I am left looking round for light to shine from the heavens and trumpets sound. Come round by the ticket machines muttering "there's no place like HTB, there's no place like HTB" and tube angel is gone.
Lively discussion over lunch on topic of specialists (my appointment is forth coming and younger sister has recently had bizarre experience with Russian back specialist, Dr I'mabackspecialistovitch, who whips along row of patients at such high speed that my sister who is attempting to take notes has only just written down his name when he is gone, dictating at high speed into tape recorder that patient has indicated pain in bottom, which is not entirely true).
We also talk about 3rd sister's decision to donate to charity instead of buying gifts for Christmas this year, which we all applaud in principle but I in particular express insecurity about having my worth measured in goats for fear I don't equate to a whole one. I am fairly sure of my worth in camels, my friend Inge having once been offered 12 camels for me in a bar in Denmark, but goats quite a different thing. (3rd year biology not entirely wasted then says HTB when I relate this conversation to him.) Other sisters express curiosity as to how statement "we're not materialistic so we have given your presents to charity" fits in with "but you can still buy us presents if you want".
Subject of possible date for matrimonials next year discussed and I remark that HTB and will have to put "third time lucky" on the invites to which my sister replies that she thought I had already been married 3 times. I am horrified by this and remind her that actually I have been proposed to nine times, engaged 6 (Not counting the phantom engagement my psychotic flat mate invented when he invited me to a surprise engagement party with his entire family, some of who had flown in from Spain specially, and the surprise turned out to be it was mine and his, on the basis that I once wore a novelty ring he gave me on my left hand.) but only married twice. Sister replies that she can't imagine why was she was confused (detect slight hint of sarcasm here) and puts forward theory that other engagements add up to a marriage equivalent in manner of CSE grade 1 equating to o-level pass.
On subject of weirdos younger sister mentions that two of her students have moved on: "pen clicky guy" who puts his hand up for questions and then clicks his pen on and off getting louder and faster until called on to answer is on a different course this year and "twig guy" who walks round campus with a rucksack of twigs because "they are pretty and he likes to look at them" appears to have left altogether and the current theory is that he has been taken away by his parents for treatment.
Tear ourselves away from topic to go on to theatre where which watch "The 39 steps" done by a cast of four and all agree it is possibly the funniest thing we have ever seen. Not entirely sure small theatre was ready for all 3 of us clutching our stomachs and laughing like drains, but hope actors appreciate homage to their art.
Take reluctant leave of each other outside theatre and I meet HTB at Waterloo to head home together.
Wednesday 6th December
Card arrives from 3rd sister's charity of choice – I am worth entire goat – great relief all round.
Thursday 7th December
Business emergency on part of dear friend Charlotte takes me to Sheffield to sort out her books and help with Inland Revenue. Gratitude is expressed in the form of a miracle facial which uses diamond dust to blast away wrinkles and have to say results are startling and very pleasing and I feel much younger.
Friday 8th December
In my absence HTB attends court for final settlement with Hag Bag ex-wife in attempt to thwart her plans for world domination. Court decides in our favour and rather than giving her the house, they drop it on her and award HTB the ruby slippers. Spend morning dancing round house singing hey ho the witch is dead much to the surprise of Charlotte and delight of her daughter and generally behaving in mature and restrained manner appropriate to gravity of situation. Switch to more up tempo mode and add "I ain't saying she's a gold digga" to my repertoire at which point Charlotte opens victory champagne to shut me up.
Sunday 10th December
As part of Christmas ritual is is my usual habit to wrap presents each year while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and drinking champagne. This leads in previous years to interesting situation where HTB returns home to find me up to ears in wrapping presents for his children and family with barely time to sip champagne before starting next pile. HTB watches for some time, swigging my champagne before remarking that he can't believe how long it is taking me as he only has two presents to wrap and he's done. At this point I give up and decide to drink champagne only to find it gone. This leads to interesting and somewhat warm discussion where my voice reaches pitch commonly only audible to dogs and tale is subsequently retold to numerous girlfriends over years.
This year all is redeemed when HTB takes me to the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill where we watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on the big screen while seated on enormous leather chairs and drinking champagne. No presents to wrap and HTB is generous in ensuring I get the lion share of the fizz so I have a blissful afternoon and HTB gets a billion brownie points and a promise that I will tell this story as often as the last.
Venture into town for the first time in a long while to meet two of my 3 sisters for lunch and a show.
Tube completely different during day time and I encounter "tube angel" in form of young man who stops to let me go ahead of him on escalator. I thank him profusely but also point out it will take him an awfully long time to get across London if he continues to be nice to people. He replies that it is alright he has plenty of time and smiles at me in such a way that I am left looking round for light to shine from the heavens and trumpets sound. Come round by the ticket machines muttering "there's no place like HTB, there's no place like HTB" and tube angel is gone.
Lively discussion over lunch on topic of specialists (my appointment is forth coming and younger sister has recently had bizarre experience with Russian back specialist, Dr I'mabackspecialistovitch, who whips along row of patients at such high speed that my sister who is attempting to take notes has only just written down his name when he is gone, dictating at high speed into tape recorder that patient has indicated pain in bottom, which is not entirely true).
We also talk about 3rd sister's decision to donate to charity instead of buying gifts for Christmas this year, which we all applaud in principle but I in particular express insecurity about having my worth measured in goats for fear I don't equate to a whole one. I am fairly sure of my worth in camels, my friend Inge having once been offered 12 camels for me in a bar in Denmark, but goats quite a different thing. (3rd year biology not entirely wasted then says HTB when I relate this conversation to him.) Other sisters express curiosity as to how statement "we're not materialistic so we have given your presents to charity" fits in with "but you can still buy us presents if you want".
Subject of possible date for matrimonials next year discussed and I remark that HTB and will have to put "third time lucky" on the invites to which my sister replies that she thought I had already been married 3 times. I am horrified by this and remind her that actually I have been proposed to nine times, engaged 6 (Not counting the phantom engagement my psychotic flat mate invented when he invited me to a surprise engagement party with his entire family, some of who had flown in from Spain specially, and the surprise turned out to be it was mine and his, on the basis that I once wore a novelty ring he gave me on my left hand.) but only married twice. Sister replies that she can't imagine why was she was confused (detect slight hint of sarcasm here) and puts forward theory that other engagements add up to a marriage equivalent in manner of CSE grade 1 equating to o-level pass.
On subject of weirdos younger sister mentions that two of her students have moved on: "pen clicky guy" who puts his hand up for questions and then clicks his pen on and off getting louder and faster until called on to answer is on a different course this year and "twig guy" who walks round campus with a rucksack of twigs because "they are pretty and he likes to look at them" appears to have left altogether and the current theory is that he has been taken away by his parents for treatment.
Tear ourselves away from topic to go on to theatre where which watch "The 39 steps" done by a cast of four and all agree it is possibly the funniest thing we have ever seen. Not entirely sure small theatre was ready for all 3 of us clutching our stomachs and laughing like drains, but hope actors appreciate homage to their art.
Take reluctant leave of each other outside theatre and I meet HTB at Waterloo to head home together.
Wednesday 6th December
Card arrives from 3rd sister's charity of choice – I am worth entire goat – great relief all round.
Thursday 7th December
Business emergency on part of dear friend Charlotte takes me to Sheffield to sort out her books and help with Inland Revenue. Gratitude is expressed in the form of a miracle facial which uses diamond dust to blast away wrinkles and have to say results are startling and very pleasing and I feel much younger.
Friday 8th December
In my absence HTB attends court for final settlement with Hag Bag ex-wife in attempt to thwart her plans for world domination. Court decides in our favour and rather than giving her the house, they drop it on her and award HTB the ruby slippers. Spend morning dancing round house singing hey ho the witch is dead much to the surprise of Charlotte and delight of her daughter and generally behaving in mature and restrained manner appropriate to gravity of situation. Switch to more up tempo mode and add "I ain't saying she's a gold digga" to my repertoire at which point Charlotte opens victory champagne to shut me up.
Sunday 10th December
As part of Christmas ritual is is my usual habit to wrap presents each year while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and drinking champagne. This leads in previous years to interesting situation where HTB returns home to find me up to ears in wrapping presents for his children and family with barely time to sip champagne before starting next pile. HTB watches for some time, swigging my champagne before remarking that he can't believe how long it is taking me as he only has two presents to wrap and he's done. At this point I give up and decide to drink champagne only to find it gone. This leads to interesting and somewhat warm discussion where my voice reaches pitch commonly only audible to dogs and tale is subsequently retold to numerous girlfriends over years.
This year all is redeemed when HTB takes me to the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill where we watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on the big screen while seated on enormous leather chairs and drinking champagne. No presents to wrap and HTB is generous in ensuring I get the lion share of the fizz so I have a blissful afternoon and HTB gets a billion brownie points and a promise that I will tell this story as often as the last.
Friday, 1 December 2006
Be Careful What You Wish For
November 20th
Today is the first time I have really felt unemployed and have problems settling to life of cushion lounging and debauchery. Imagine debauchery quite tricky to manage on ones own and cats not providing much help as too busy cushion lounging on their own without any input required from me. Can only assume this makes cats far superior loungers.
Alarming tendency to watch QVC channel escalates into purchase which I am for some reason deeply embarrassed by despite it being something I have been researching on net and for which this is the best price I have seen.
Good news arrives in the form of an email from Lucy announcing she is with child and bad news in the form of phone call from HTB to say he is being made redundant. Ignore small voice in back of head which screeches "see we should never have gone on holiday" as unlikely to be real cause of redundancy and instead make supportive and cheering remarks to HTB. Have to laugh when he tells me the response of his team "princess" to the announcement is "how does this affect me?"
Train of thought returns to wishes made in Thailand, two of which have apparently come true (well second one half true as old job has to go for new to arrive) and rush to computer to see if I have miracle email offering me publishing contract. I am very excited by my space email starting "I am a writer" but turns out to be bloke who apparently has already published his book asking to be my friend. Have moment of weakness and accept his friendship request and that of unknown band just to make myself feel more popular.
As no publishing deal in offing, immediately resolve to lift burden on HTB by undertaking cost cutting exercise on domestic front and switch heating off and put on several jumpers. Unearth slow cooker from back of cupboard and cook cheap but nourishing casserole from contents of tins in cupboards (mostly kinds of lentil) using nothing but the power of a light bulb.
Call Mother to pass on news and she tells me about chap from similar school period to HTB who I once kissed at a school disco who now runs multi-million card company and was written up in the Observer and is still single.
I am unclear as to whether this information is to spur me to dump the soon to be unemployed HTB and reintroduce myself to this person who I have spent the last 23 years trying to pretend I never, ever kissed or whether it is a return to her favourite theme of setting up a business to supply a Gap In The Market.
Thankfully it turns out to be the latter as she finishes by saying she can see why he is still single as she has never liked a man with slicked down hair. Start to say that I am sure Daddy will be please to hear she won't be leaving him for a toy boy when am struck by clear and distinct image of my father's hair in their wedding photos. Remind Mother of this at which she laughs and says that's different and I am relieved that 50 years of marriage and 4 daughters not based on lie after all.
Realise after hanging up, that calls at this time of day not included in package and have probably erased effects of extra jumper wearing.
Nourishing casserole not huge success as turns out quite watery, not enormously hot, despite being cooked over light bulb for 8 hours and strangely beige. HTB apparently has trouble identifying contents of bowl but bravely consumes all before talking brightly about how many more wage packets he has before he finishes work, which I take to be his tactful way of letting me know we can afford to eat things he can name and which come in food colours.
November 30th
Consider looking for job as limit to numbers of times can record sighting of large squirrel and averted disaster of coloured sock in white load in amusing manner and this seems to be central theme of past few days.
Very much missing stimulation of company of Rachel and Alice, but not missing having to get out of bed at crack of dawn everyday. Receive charming and amusing emails from both of them which greatly cheer me and reveal that much disliked member of staff has finally been fired at work and Alice has been on two successful dates. Alice also forwards freelance writing job she has seen and get very excited as feel sure this is the job I wished for.
Gym arrives from QVC and there is slight delay while HTB and I both go out and achieve PhDs in rocket science and Taiwanese so we can put it together.
Bump into old friend in village known by mutual friends as "old faithful" and whose real name I will not reveal for reasons that will soon become obvious. Irony of nickname soon becomes apparent as he reveals over lattes that he is having an affair with girl half his age, while his wife is abroad on business.
Am completely thrown by this as it just doesn't seem like him and further thrown by his apparent lack of grand passion for mistress as his reason for affair seems not so much to be "we couldn't help ourselves" as "she was there."
All very disconcerting and I ask if wife likely to throw him out on inevitable discovery of affair. He says thinks she would be upset but he thinks he could grovel sufficiently to keep her and I say if his intention is to keep wife rather than leave her for much younger woman wouldn't this be best achieved by faithfulness?
Can see friend understands logic of this in brain, but doubt brain will be the decision making organ when he next sees mistress.
Today is the first time I have really felt unemployed and have problems settling to life of cushion lounging and debauchery. Imagine debauchery quite tricky to manage on ones own and cats not providing much help as too busy cushion lounging on their own without any input required from me. Can only assume this makes cats far superior loungers.
Alarming tendency to watch QVC channel escalates into purchase which I am for some reason deeply embarrassed by despite it being something I have been researching on net and for which this is the best price I have seen.
Good news arrives in the form of an email from Lucy announcing she is with child and bad news in the form of phone call from HTB to say he is being made redundant. Ignore small voice in back of head which screeches "see we should never have gone on holiday" as unlikely to be real cause of redundancy and instead make supportive and cheering remarks to HTB. Have to laugh when he tells me the response of his team "princess" to the announcement is "how does this affect me?"
Train of thought returns to wishes made in Thailand, two of which have apparently come true (well second one half true as old job has to go for new to arrive) and rush to computer to see if I have miracle email offering me publishing contract. I am very excited by my space email starting "I am a writer" but turns out to be bloke who apparently has already published his book asking to be my friend. Have moment of weakness and accept his friendship request and that of unknown band just to make myself feel more popular.
As no publishing deal in offing, immediately resolve to lift burden on HTB by undertaking cost cutting exercise on domestic front and switch heating off and put on several jumpers. Unearth slow cooker from back of cupboard and cook cheap but nourishing casserole from contents of tins in cupboards (mostly kinds of lentil) using nothing but the power of a light bulb.
Call Mother to pass on news and she tells me about chap from similar school period to HTB who I once kissed at a school disco who now runs multi-million card company and was written up in the Observer and is still single.
I am unclear as to whether this information is to spur me to dump the soon to be unemployed HTB and reintroduce myself to this person who I have spent the last 23 years trying to pretend I never, ever kissed or whether it is a return to her favourite theme of setting up a business to supply a Gap In The Market.
Thankfully it turns out to be the latter as she finishes by saying she can see why he is still single as she has never liked a man with slicked down hair. Start to say that I am sure Daddy will be please to hear she won't be leaving him for a toy boy when am struck by clear and distinct image of my father's hair in their wedding photos. Remind Mother of this at which she laughs and says that's different and I am relieved that 50 years of marriage and 4 daughters not based on lie after all.
Realise after hanging up, that calls at this time of day not included in package and have probably erased effects of extra jumper wearing.
Nourishing casserole not huge success as turns out quite watery, not enormously hot, despite being cooked over light bulb for 8 hours and strangely beige. HTB apparently has trouble identifying contents of bowl but bravely consumes all before talking brightly about how many more wage packets he has before he finishes work, which I take to be his tactful way of letting me know we can afford to eat things he can name and which come in food colours.
November 30th
Consider looking for job as limit to numbers of times can record sighting of large squirrel and averted disaster of coloured sock in white load in amusing manner and this seems to be central theme of past few days.
Very much missing stimulation of company of Rachel and Alice, but not missing having to get out of bed at crack of dawn everyday. Receive charming and amusing emails from both of them which greatly cheer me and reveal that much disliked member of staff has finally been fired at work and Alice has been on two successful dates. Alice also forwards freelance writing job she has seen and get very excited as feel sure this is the job I wished for.
Gym arrives from QVC and there is slight delay while HTB and I both go out and achieve PhDs in rocket science and Taiwanese so we can put it together.
Bump into old friend in village known by mutual friends as "old faithful" and whose real name I will not reveal for reasons that will soon become obvious. Irony of nickname soon becomes apparent as he reveals over lattes that he is having an affair with girl half his age, while his wife is abroad on business.
Am completely thrown by this as it just doesn't seem like him and further thrown by his apparent lack of grand passion for mistress as his reason for affair seems not so much to be "we couldn't help ourselves" as "she was there."
All very disconcerting and I ask if wife likely to throw him out on inevitable discovery of affair. He says thinks she would be upset but he thinks he could grovel sufficiently to keep her and I say if his intention is to keep wife rather than leave her for much younger woman wouldn't this be best achieved by faithfulness?
Can see friend understands logic of this in brain, but doubt brain will be the decision making organ when he next sees mistress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
