tripping the Light Rantastic

Hurrah! The "Massive Golf Sale" Man was there today, I have missed him and I have missed being able to rant about him.

However for all of you out there who like me, thought this was merely an irritating abuse of the English language check out this link:

http://www.greatbigstuff.com/golfball.html

I am feeling generally rantastic today – rantastic is a portmanteau word that I coined to describe when I am feeling good about myself, but also grumpy about the world.

This is an unusual time of month for me to feel rantastic and I can only put it down to the fabulous sunshine, and an evening spent in the company of my chum Square Jawed Ed. (SJE) If the Spectator is champagne for the brain (grrr there's a rant right there) then SJE is cocaine for the brain. By this I obviously mean that his company is highly stimulating, not that it makes me talk a lot of b*llox at high speed and think I'm right all the time – although he does sometimes bring that out in me too. But in general a conversation with SJE is a conversation spent looking at the world from a different angle and with an evil sense of humour - and it always leaves me ready to tell the world exactly where it is going wrong.

But I digress, ranting needs an audience so here is my selection of things that have made me rant already today:

Euphemisms for death (BBC News) – "passed on", "passed away", "left us" and today's particular irritant "lost their lives". I know there are many uses of the word "lost" but I hate the inference of carelessness. Lives are not car keys, these people didn't put their lives down and forget where they left them, they died, suddenly and violently and in the service of their country and quite honestly I think the BBC should just say that.

"You'll get piles sitting on that cold kerb" (helpful old lady at bus stop). No, I really won't!

The website http://www.medinfo.co.uk/conditions/haemorrhoids.htmllists the following causes for piles:

Causes
Hemorrhoids are very common. They are said to be more common in countries where the diet has traditionally been more processed and low in fibre. The main contributory causes are those things that cause us to raise the pressure in the abdomen. This causes the blood vessels to swell and become engorged.

It seems that the people most at risk of developing hemorrhoids are those who have more causes for raised abdominal pressure, such as:

Those chronically straining with constipation.
After or during pregnancy. Here, the baby may actually press on the main blood vessel that returns blood to the heart (the vena cava).
Overweight people.
People with heavy lifting jobs.
Nowhere does it mention sitting on cold stones, please, helpful old people I beg of you, STOP TELLING ME THIS – IT DRIVES ME NUTS (and that includes you Mother!)

The misuse of the expression "mano a mano" to mean "man to man". (This is my fault for listening to macho traders' phone conversations on the train). "Mano a mano" does not mean "man to man", it means "hand to hand". It is not possible to talk to some one hand to hand, in single combat unless possibly you are arguing in sign language!

This reminds of another thing that was guaranteed to get a rise out of me when I managed a coffee bar in my dim and distant past, which was the common misconception that espresso is pronounced expresso and means only "served quickly". I remember one Saturday morning, short staffed and with a queue out of the door, overhearing a customer complain that he hadn't got his coffee very quickly considering it was an expresso. His face was a picture when I turned to him and said "Actually sir it is pronounced espresso, and also means "produced under pressure" and you must be blind if you think your coffee wasn't produced under pressure in every sense of the word this morning." Not my finest Public Relations moment but it felt so good. Sadly I left that job not long after.

There really is nothing like a job working with the Great British Public to bring out the ranter in you. Things guaranteed to wind us up in the office include:

Clients who ring up and read out the website to us on the phone. "It says here the boat hire is £220 per hour" (Yes we know this we wrote the website) and inevitably they follow this with "is that right?" (No it's completely wrong we just put it there for a laugh because we were bored one morning.)

Clients (always, always teachers) who say "so the buffet is £8.95 a head?" (Yes that's right) "How much would that be for 100 people?" (Answer: I imagine somewhere in the region of £895 sir )

And my personal favourite:

Clients who phone us to say "I'm at the top of the pier where do I go?" (onto the pier …) and then when they get onto the boat that is our office (bearing in mind that they have come here to hire a boat) say "ooh are we on the water – doesn't it make you sick?" (No it doesn't, otherwise I would be having this conversation with you from under my desk with my head in a bin)

I have to report however that this morning I have been outdone completely in the being rude politely stakes by Alice who held the following conversation:

A: "Good morning, [name of company]"

C: "Oh I think I have the wrong number, but perhaps you can help me anyway .. can you give me the number for "On the Rocks" in Sheffield?" (we are based in London)

A: "I'll just connect you" and hangs up phone.

All power to Alice - ranters of the world unite.