Hey Ho the Witch is Dead

5th December



Venture into town for the first time in a long while to meet two of my 3 sisters for lunch and a show.



Tube completely different during day time and I encounter "tube angel" in form of young man who stops to let me go ahead of him on escalator. I thank him profusely but also point out it will take him an awfully long time to get across London if he continues to be nice to people. He replies that it is alright he has plenty of time and smiles at me in such a way that I am left looking round for light to shine from the heavens and trumpets sound. Come round by the ticket machines muttering "there's no place like HTB, there's no place like HTB" and tube angel is gone.



Lively discussion over lunch on topic of specialists (my appointment is forth coming and younger sister has recently had bizarre experience with Russian back specialist, Dr I'mabackspecialistovitch, who whips along row of patients at such high speed that my sister who is attempting to take notes has only just written down his name when he is gone, dictating at high speed into tape recorder that patient has indicated pain in bottom, which is not entirely true).



We also talk about 3rd sister's decision to donate to charity instead of buying gifts for Christmas this year, which we all applaud in principle but I in particular express insecurity about having my worth measured in goats for fear I don't equate to a whole one. I am fairly sure of my worth in camels, my friend Inge having once been offered 12 camels for me in a bar in Denmark, but goats quite a different thing. (3rd year biology not entirely wasted then says HTB when I relate this conversation to him.) Other sisters express curiosity as to how statement "we're not materialistic so we have given your presents to charity" fits in with "but you can still buy us presents if you want".

Subject of possible date for matrimonials next year discussed and I remark that HTB and will have to put "third time lucky" on the invites to which my sister replies that she thought I had already been married 3 times. I am horrified by this and remind her that actually I have been proposed to nine times, engaged 6 (Not counting the phantom engagement my psychotic flat mate invented when he invited me to a surprise engagement party with his entire family, some of who had flown in from Spain specially, and the surprise turned out to be it was mine and his, on the basis that I once wore a novelty ring he gave me on my left hand.) but only married twice. Sister replies that she can't imagine why was she was confused (detect slight hint of sarcasm here) and puts forward theory that other engagements add up to a marriage equivalent in manner of CSE grade 1 equating to o-level pass.

On subject of weirdos younger sister mentions that two of her students have moved on: "pen clicky guy" who puts his hand up for questions and then clicks his pen on and off getting louder and faster until called on to answer is on a different course this year and "twig guy" who walks round campus with a rucksack of twigs because "they are pretty and he likes to look at them" appears to have left altogether and the current theory is that he has been taken away by his parents for treatment.

Tear ourselves away from topic to go on to theatre where which watch "The 39 steps" done by a cast of four and all agree it is possibly the funniest thing we have ever seen. Not entirely sure small theatre was ready for all 3 of us clutching our stomachs and laughing like drains, but hope actors appreciate homage to their art.

Take reluctant leave of each other outside theatre and I meet HTB at Waterloo to head home together.


Wednesday 6th December

Card arrives from 3rd sister's charity of choice – I am worth entire goat – great relief all round.


Thursday 7th December

Business emergency on part of dear friend Charlotte takes me to Sheffield to sort out her books and help with Inland Revenue. Gratitude is expressed in the form of a miracle facial which uses diamond dust to blast away wrinkles and have to say results are startling and very pleasing and I feel much younger.


Friday 8th December

In my absence HTB attends court for final settlement with Hag Bag ex-wife in attempt to thwart her plans for world domination. Court decides in our favour and rather than giving her the house, they drop it on her and award HTB the ruby slippers. Spend morning dancing round house singing hey ho the witch is dead much to the surprise of Charlotte and delight of her daughter and generally behaving in mature and restrained manner appropriate to gravity of situation. Switch to more up tempo mode and add "I ain't saying she's a gold digga" to my repertoire at which point Charlotte opens victory champagne to shut me up.


Sunday 10th December

As part of Christmas ritual is is my usual habit to wrap presents each year while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and drinking champagne. This leads in previous years to interesting situation where HTB returns home to find me up to ears in wrapping presents for his children and family with barely time to sip champagne before starting next pile. HTB watches for some time, swigging my champagne before remarking that he can't believe how long it is taking me as he only has two presents to wrap and he's done. At this point I give up and decide to drink champagne only to find it gone. This leads to interesting and somewhat warm discussion where my voice reaches pitch commonly only audible to dogs and tale is subsequently retold to numerous girlfriends over years.

This year all is redeemed when HTB takes me to the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill where we watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on the big screen while seated on enormous leather chairs and drinking champagne. No presents to wrap and HTB is generous in ensuring I get the lion share of the fizz so I have a blissful afternoon and HTB gets a billion brownie points and a promise that I will tell this story as often as the last.